


Impostor Syndrome

by ngs1143



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Backstory, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 00:30:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19414726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ngs1143/pseuds/ngs1143
Summary: Rose gets her gem cracked in battle. Pearl struggles to tell Rose she needs to stay off the front lines.





	Impostor Syndrome

“Rose, can you hear me?”

Pearl’s arms were spindles, trembling from the massive exertion. The raiding ambush hit them midday, much earlier than scheduled. She had carried Rose until sunset, far away from the raid. The remaining Crystal Gem forces held back the Quartz unit from pursuit.

As she ran, Rose’s glitching had only grown worse. Pearl didn’t get to see how bad the crack was.

“Rose? Rose!”

All it took was one lucky strike. The overzealous Amethyst bore Pink’s insignia. She had played dirty, kicked into the small of Rose’s back when Rose was bracing for a different target.

Pearl couldn’t get to Rose in time. She could only watch in horror, watch as her Rose _fell._ Each moment after the next felt like another Earth century.

When Rose got back to her feet, Pearl knew something was wrong.

The fight blazed on. Pearl sliced through Quartz after Quartz, steadily moving closer and closer to where Rose was on the battlefield. Even in the depths of utter chaos, her beautiful pink curls glistened through the violence.

Rose kept on fighting. Pearl jabbed her sword directly into another Amethyst, disintegrating her body instantly. As Pearl got in range, she noticed Rose was moving oddly. Then, with a swing of Rose’s signature sword, she leapt forward, saving a Crystal Gem from a Jasper. For a moment, Pearl felt shame for ever doubting her leader.

Then, Rose’s form shuddered. A faint glitch jittered in the sunlight, showed Rose’s thick curls change shape. For a moment, it cut into lines until they coiled tighter, smoother, enveloping her head -

_Pink._

Not now. Not now, not ever. Pearl could never let that secret out. She was Pearl of the Crystal Gems, belonging to no one, but she was also Pink Diamond’s Pearl, too, and protecting and serving Pink was what she was _made_ for.

The fear she felt was only _natural._

“Rose, please,” said Pearl. “Please, answer me.”

She had brought Rose to the only place she could: Rose’s fountain. She had thrown Rose into it, watched her sink to the very bottom of the water, her gem face-down, submerged even further into her own healing tears.

For a moment, Pearl worried the fountain had somehow stopped working. She felt her thin throat squeeze tight as she envisioned how Rose was down there, unconscious, possibly cracking even further right now oh no _Rose -_

Just as Pearl was preparing to leap into the water to check, Rose resurfaced with a gasp, bubbly and giddy in post-battle hysteria. Pearl felt icy relief splash down her shoulders.

“Can you believe it?” Rose said, grinning up at Pearl. “My very first gem crack!”

Pearl shifted uncomfortably. She smiled, tight-lipped.

“Yes,” Pearl said. “How exciting, my Diamond.”

Rose looked up at Pearl and playfully shook her pointer finger, another unfortunate human communication she picked up. Her fingers were still stained wet from the fountain. Her dress clung to her physical form, beyond soaked.

Pearl tried not to stare.

“What did we say about calling me that, Pearl?” Rose teased.

“Sorry, Rose,” said Pearl, rubbing her neck guiltily for staring so rudely.

“After this battle,” Rose said in a rush, holding back serendipitous laughter. “I’m officially a _real_ Quartz soldier!”

Rose burst into a fit of giggles and gracefully leapt out from the fountain. She descended slowly, her dripping dress pooling a large puddle beneath her feet. Rose watched the rivulets seep into the cracks between the stones, fascinated.

Pearl nervously rolled both hands and fingers together. She cautiously traced the outline of one thumb with the other.

Rose’s joy slowed to a halt when she saw her. Pearl quickly averted her gaze.

“Pearl,” Rose asked. “Is everything alright?”

Pearl froze for a moment, her fingers immediately interlacing in fear. Then, she ripped them apart, erratically laughing in a way that took in far too much air.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong!” Pearl said, curling one hand around her chin. Her long fingers dug into her cheeks, dragging the skin down.

“Pearl…”

Pearl waved the other hand dismissively at Rose.

“Everything’s fine!”

“Pearl,” Rose repeated. Pearl nervously glanced up, her fingernails burrowed deep into her right cheek. Rose locked eyes with her, visibly concerned.

“Pearl, please tell me what’s wrong.”

Pearl remained frozen for a couple seconds. Then, her body detangled with a sigh. Her hands went back to fidgeting and twisting around each digit.

“Well, I mean, I’ve been _thinking,_ ” Pearl began.

“Oh, how exciting!” Rose said.

Pearl let out a clipped laugh.

“Yes, well,” Pearl said. “I’ve been thinking, and, well, we’ve recruited so many Crystal Gems now.”

Rose nodded in agreement, obviously proud of their accomplishments so far. Pearl’s legs suddenly unlocked, and she began to pace.

“And we’ve already had Bismuth build us that forge and this fountain...”

Rose continued to listen, ever eager and curious.

“And well, with how dangerous the fighting has been getting,” Pearl said, making an odd gesture with her hands, gnawing at her lip. The Earth air suddenly seemed so thick.

“Yes?” Rose asked, not quite understanding where this was going.

“Well,” Pearl looked back down. “I was just thinking that maybe, well, maybe you should stay… _off_ the front lines. From now on.”

Silence descended. All that could be heard was the gurgling fountain.

Pearl refused to meet Rose’s gaze. She kept her eyes firmly planted on the ground. Pearl didn’t want to know, didn’t want to know what Rose was thinking, what she was feeling, what she thought of her and her thoughts, of her _Pearl’s_ thoughts.

“Pearl…” Rose softly began.

Pearl couldn’t take it, couldn’t listen to what she had to say. She needed to say something, anything. She had to convince Rose, right this moment, that she could be right about something.

“I mean, Rose,” Pearl began. “What would the Crystal Gems do if something were to ever happen to you? What would Garnet do? Snowflake? Bismuth?”

_What would I do,_ Pearl kept firmly beneath her tongue.

_“Pearl…”_

“Realistically, an accident like today could happen again!” Pearl said. “It could happen when we least expect it.”

She continued to pace, shaking her fingers at nothing in particular as she kept going.

“And of course, if we’re not anywhere close to the fountain when it happens -”

“Pearl.”

Pearl stopped moving. She shut up immediately. The gem looked to meet Rose’s eyes.

“Yes, my Dia-” Pearl caught herself. “Rose?”

“I’m fine,” Rose said softly. “I’m all healed up, see?” She pointed to her gem with a grin. It was so round and pink, so utterly unsuspecting of the diamond cut pointing inward, hidden from all but them. They were together in this, but how could Rose not realize she mattered _more?_

“Yes, _but,_ ” Pearl countered. “I had to carry you here. If it weren’t for the other Crystal Gems, we might not have been able to -”

“Pearl, you worry too much!” Rose said, laughing nervously. “I need to be there and fight for them, with them.”

Pearl’s arms started to shake again. She felt her eyes burn. The sun was almost completely set by now. Without thinking, she clenched her fist and pointed at Rose.

“But they can’t always be there for you!” Pearl motioned back at herself. “Not like _me,_ not like _I_ can.”

“They can be there if we’re always together!”

“And you can’t always be there for them!” Pearl said, raising her voice. “If something happens to you, then this war is over! They can’t survive without you, Rose!”

_I can’t survive without you._

Rose stared back at Pearl in disbelief. In all of their centuries together, Pearl had never talked back, not like this. Rose likely revelled in the novelty. Pearl fought the urge to apologize, to beg for forgiveness. She felt the itch of tears stick somewhere in her throat.

She wasn’t made for this.

“If I’m there,” Rose said, carefully. “If I’m there to fight, _no gem_ has to get hurt.”

“But _you_ were hurt!” Pearl said. She grit her teeth and spoke quieter, almost at a whisper, as if the mere words were cursed. “Rose, you started glitching on the battlefield. You started to look like _Pink._ ”

“Pearl -”

“If a Gem destroys your physical form it isn’t just over for the Crystal Gems,” Pearl reminded her desperately. “It’s over for _us._ ”

For a moment, Pearl thought she might have gotten through. Rose grew silent, obviously thinking. Then, Rose shook her head in displeasure, making a very frustrated sound, and Pearl pushed back a flinch, pushed back the need to get down on her knees and apologize to her Diamond for this, for _her._

“I’m not sitting back like a Diamond while you do all the fighting!” Rose said petulantly at last, like a child. “I’m not Pink Diamond right now, I’m _Rose Quartz!_ ”

“Unless the secret comes out in battle,” Pearl said darkly.

Rose shut up instantly, and Pearl’s determination shattered. She watched her leader’s face for anything, any signs of approval, of distaste. Suddenly, she felt sick to her stomach. Pearl kept making everything worse. She _knew_ talking about this was a bad idea.

“Rose,” Pearl pleaded. “Please, let us help you. We can keep you safe.”

Rose didn’t meet Pearl’s eyes. Pearl wondered what it would take, how other, higher-classed gems did this, convinced other gems that what they’re saying actually mattered. Pearl’s words never mattered until now, until Rose.

“ _I_ can keep you safe,” Pearl added, timidly.

“I don’t want to be kept safe,” Rose mumbled under her breath. “I want to fight.”

“But if you get hurt -”

“You don’t understand, Pearl” Rose said at last. “I can’t _not_ fight. I’ve spent so long being a Diamond, doing nothing.”

_But I do understand,_ Pearl thought desperately. Her chest ached with something so incredibly foreign, a longing so intense she felt she might explode on the spot.

“But Rose -”

“If someone has to get hurt, I want it to be me.”

“ROSE!” Pearl shouted, her body now shaking.

Pearl never knew it was so hard, defending what she believed in, let alone to her _Diamond._ Tears stung her eyes. She felt so tired. She just wanted this argument to stop, for these feelings and thoughts to end.

“The Crystal Gems need you.”

Pearl took in a sharp breath and held it. She rubbed the tears out with her palms. Her physical form seemed to deflate with the exhale, with the words that kept this going. She needed them out. She needed _more._

“ _I_ need you.”

Pearl crumpled to the floor, defeated. She couldn’t keep this up, it felt natural to be on her knees. No matter how much they rebelled, she couldn’t stop how she felt, how badly she needed to serve. She just wanted Rose to be happy. She wanted Rose to be happy because of _her._

Suddenly, she felt Rose’s fingers under her chin. Pearl looked up to see Rose smiling so warmly. How Rose could smile at her after this never ceased to amaze her.

“Pearl.”

Pearl choked back a few tears. She didn’t deserve Rose, not after this, not after what she said to her. Rose must hate her. Pink Diamond must hate her. It was all so confusing, this freedom, but what could a Pearl do?

“Let’s go meet with the other Crystal Gems,” Rose said. “They must be wondering what happened to us.”

Rose’s hand left Pearl’s chin. She offered her palm for Pearl to take. With a small smile, Pearl hoisted herself up from the ground.

They walked to the nearest warp pad, side-by-side.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a one-shot written for a fanfiction class. My goal was to write a story that properly utilized appropriations from the source material and transformed them. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


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